I've often wondered what the worst thing a person could go through would be. At one point, I thought it would be cancer. Many might argue my opinion, but I've decided the worst thing a person could go through is seeing their child go through cancer. Watching them hurt and not being able to take it away with hugs and kisses better anymore. Seeing a giant scar on their stomach that will always be there to remind them of the disease they had. Watching them puke every 15 minutes all day long and not being able to do anything except hold the bucket in front of them and wiping their mouth when they're done. It makes you angry, depressed, hopeless, overwhelmed, and did I mention angry? I saw the picture of the tumor yesterday and I kinda wanted to go punch it and stomp on it and scream at it for making my baby so sick! Max has been up since 3 am today puking every 15-20 minutes. He wasn't even able to keep a sip of water down. I called his nurse twice today to make sure I was doing everything right and that it was normal. It breaks my heart seeing him so sick. He's lost so much weight already that he's just skin and bones. And his greyish pallor today from puking so much didn't help. And this is after only one chemo treatment. His hair is starting to shed like crazy already too. I thought we had a few more weeks before that would happen. Yet, even though he's been sick all day, he still found something to smile and laugh about this evening. I have to remind myself that if he can find something to laugh and smile about everyday even though he feels so crumby, I should be able to as well. So that is my goal, to find at least one thing everyday to laugh and smile about. Tonight, it was seeing both my boys snuggled up in my bed holding hands and watching Jake and the Neverland Pirates together. They are so innocent and so sweet, and they love each other so much. Those are the moments that melt my heart and help me see a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

I sure love my sweet little boys!

Well, it's been a crazy week since being home from the hospital. Sam has either had a really long cyclic vomiting episode, or he's had a stomach bug. It's always hard to tell. Either way, he's been puking almost every night. The stress of being away from mom and dad and everything that's going on with Max must be getting to him. I know it has me. My migraines have been awful and my stomach is constantly in knots. Not fun! Max on the other hand has been doing pretty awesome. He plays like he normally did, but he gets tired pretty quickly and goes to the couch and falls asleep. Then he's up and playing hard again until bedtime. He lets me know when his stomach hurts, but he's been such a trooper. He has had some behavioral changes. He has some pretty big temper tantrums and has been hitting me a lot. But he has had a lot happening and is in pain and doesn't really understand what's going on. And it doesn't help that I'm having a hard time telling both boys "no" right now because I feel so bad about everything they have to go through. I just need to get things back to normal as much as possible. We did get to have a fun weekend before he started his chemotherapy today. Sunday, we met up with some old friends that I haven't seen in forever. And Monday, we had some fun family time since Nate was off work. Then we were up at Primary Children's bright and early this morning. We were planning on spending most of the day there, but they got us in and out in two hours. They showed us pictures of the tumor and the kidney they removed. The tumor was 4x bigger than the kidney. It's crazy to think something that big was in his little tummy and it took us that long to find it. Thankfully, they told us that the Wilms tumor was only in stage two and was a favorable histology. Stage two means that it was contained within the kidney and didn't spread to any lymph nodes or other organs and the favorable histology means that it didn't have any odd appearances to it. They told us about the chemotherapy medications they would be treating him with. The first is Dactinomycin, which takes about 15 minutes to be pumped into him and the second is Vincristine, which is a quick push into his access. The side effects we have to watch for are nausea/vomiting, constipation, jaw pain, headache, hair loss, weakness and numbing in legs, feet and hands, and peripheral parathesias. (which is difficulty walking, and stumbling) We watched him all day for side effects and all he had was a little nausea and constipation. I was surprised how quickly the constipation kicked in and felt awful for him when all he wanted to do was have me hold him and cry that his bum hurt. But we got him some medicine for that and he's happy and playing again tonight. I'm so happy that he bounces back so quickly. Hopefully he will stay that way as the side effects get stronger as the meds get to a higher dosage. He's such a brave little boy. We are so lucky to have so many people supporting us and praying for us. We can definitely feel those prayers! We had a surprise visitor yesterday with a loaf of banana bread, a jar of hand sanitizer, and gift cards for two different restaurants. She's truly an angel and was so thoughtful for just thinking of us. Thank you again Natalie Mitchell. : ) Whether it's gifts, donations to Max's cancer account, or even just prayers, we feel so loved and blessed.

 Breakfast with old friends.

 It was so good to see Julia again!

 The boys on the train at the mall.

Max snuggling on mom's lap with an "ouchy bum" Poor kid!

I feel like an awful mom! Sam had his preschool graduation the same night that we found out about Max's cancer, and I didn't say anything about it in my posts. He was so cute in his little program and did such a good job singing all the songs and doing all the actions. The best part was when he got his diploma and his balloon and he said, "I always wanted a balloon!" lol Everyone got a good laugh. His teachers, Miss Kellie and Miss Kerrin were such amazing teachers and he absolutely loved them and loved preschool. Now that school is out, he makes us "do" preschool everyday and he practices writing out all his letters, numbers, and draws all his shapes. Then we have to color and do a craft and sing songs. He's such a smart kid. I'm so proud of him.

 Such a happy, smiling kid!

Going home day

I woke up early yesterday excited because we were told we'd be going home in the morning. I got everything of ours packed up and my bedding folded up and myself ready for the day, all before Max woke up. When he did wake up, he was bouncing on the bed and ready to go home as well. He ate some breakfast and then all he wanted to do was walk the halls. He found a little car to ride around on and had a blast when he found a hall with a slope. The nurses we had up until yesterday morning were absolutely amazing. But the nurse we got stuck with on going home day wanted to sit around and chit chat and laugh with the other nurses and drag her feet to do anything. I had to beg her to get Max is pain meds and even then she dragged her feet and took a half hour to get them to him. Max did get a visit from the music therapist and had a blast playing some rattling instruments while she played the guitar and sang with him. I thought she did a fabulous job with him. The morning passed by and we still hadn't been discharged, and were finally told we'd be done around noon. Then it was early afternoon. Then, when the NP finally came around again to give the orders to have Max's access taken out and get us on our way, our nurse went to lunch. Now, I completely understand that she needed to take her lunch, but she picked poor timing. So, we had to wait another hour and half for her to eat and drag her feet getting the papers put together. Finally, at 4:30, we were walking out of the hospital. I don't normally complain, but I didn't care for this nurse. Max fell asleep on the way home, and when we got in the house, he went to the side of the couch and fell asleep on the floor sitting up. Poor kid. He slept really well last night and didn't have any pain meds again until this morning. He's doing great with that. I did get a call from the oncologist this morning letting us know that they are now NOT 100 percent sure that it's a Wilms tumor because it looks a little different, so they are sending it to a Wilms tumor expert and should get back to us tomorrow or Friday. That means that Max will not be starting chemo now until Tuesday next week. We were really hoping for the Wilms tumor and not a more rare cancer because if it is something more rare, he will have to have a 3rd chemo medicine that will make him a lot more sick and can make him have health problems in the future. We don't want that one! So, I've been a bawl baby today worrying myself sick again about what type of cancer he has. But, whatever kind it is, we will do our best to get him through this.

 Signs and pics that were made for Max's room.

 The awesome music therapist.

 Max was having a blast playing with all the controls on the bed. Who knew it could go up so high!

 Sam got to be spoiled by his Papa Shirl who bought him an Iron Man costume.

 We were sent home with a doctor kit and hospital buddy for each boy. Sam loved playing doctor.

You never would have known he just had surgery with that big of a smile. I sure love my boys. : )

Today went much better. Max woke up happy and wanting to eat and go for a walk. He was definitely sick of his hospital bed. He was able to have his epidural removed and get a shower, which he needed because the sponge baths just weren't doing  a good enough job. He got another visit from big brother Sam and Grandma and he had an absolute blast playing in the play room with Sam. He was able to be completely disconnected from machines, so playing was a lot less frustrating for him. Grandma Diann brought some awesome lemon cookies with icing and Max downed 3 of those today, which is probably the most food he's eaten since being here. He got a visit from a great big black dog named Molly and he was loving petting her and giving her treats. Finally, around 3pm today he zonked out and took a four and a half hour nap. During his nap, we got a visit from his oncologist, Dr. Barnette. He told us that the pathology results came back that the tumor was definitely a Wilms tumor and not one of the more rare cancers. Now we are just waiting to find out which of the 3 degrees of cancer it is to determine what chemo therapy they will be doing for him. This was good news, although part of me was still in denial and hoping it would by some miracle come back as benign. The doctor also told us that we'd be going home in the morning unless they get the rest of the pathology results back, and then they would do a chemo treatment before we leave. If they don't get the results back by tomorrow morning, then we will come back on Thursday for his first treatment instead. We also got a visit from  the oncologists social worker who brought in a monster of a binder full of all the information we need about cancer, how to handle it, how to figure out how to pay for it, and programs that Max can now be a part of because of it. One of which is the Make a Wish Foundation. So, maybe we will get to Disneyland or Disneyworld when he's all cured. Something to help him have something to look forward to when this is all done. She also told us about programs we can try to qualify for to help with the finances where insurance won't cover. The scary information she gave us was what we would have to do if he got even a slight fever and how clean and sanitary we would have to keep everything while he's doing chemo. So, don't feel bad if we can't make it to events or parties or have visitors during cold and flu season. All in all, we had some good highs today, but there will always be some lows too. I think the hardest part for me will be asking for help and having to depend on others for help with things that I just won't be able to do or get to while I put all my focus on getting Max better. I also need to put some of the weight and stress of this burden onto my Savior. That's something I struggle with as well. I'm just used to handling everything myself. I'm just so proud of my little boy being so brave through this so far and doing so well. I love you Max.

I love seeing my little playful boy again.

Max sure missed his brother!

         These are the books we were sent home with about everything we need to know about cancer.

He made his nurse give his doggy a check-up.

Today was another rough day. It started out pretty good. He was able to start eating solids, so we got him a smoothie and some crackers and wafer cookies. But once they turned off the epidural, he was in a lot of pain and the oral pain meds just weren't quite enough. We at least got to take out his catheter that was hurting his little boy parts. It took most of the day to try and figure out a good oral med combination and to stay on top of the pain. We got a visit from two sweet sisters in our ward, which was a wonderful change to these days that are all blending together. Then we got another visit tonight from some good friends. Max has acquired a couple more stuffed doggies today and the nurses have been going gaga over him and how cute he is snuggling his doggies and making them kiss his ouchies better. He did go for four good long walks around the halls today, which is great for working his lungs and getting all the junk out of them and getting the gas out of his belly. We are hoping the surgeon will come tomorrow morning with the pathology results from the tumor so we can make a plan as to which chemo treatments we will be doing. Our friends and family did a special fast and prayers for us today, and we are so amazed by all the people that joined in this event. We are so blessed and thankful to everyone for their support. I know that I sound like a broken record, but it is just so touching to see the love from everyone. I myself had a rougher day as well trying to comfort  Max, but not being able to take the pain away. I keep wondering why The Lord would give us this trial when we already deal with so many health problems with myself and with Sam's cyclic vomiting , but all I can think is that Nate and I must have done something in our previous life to earn the Lords trust in taking care of Max through this trial. I have to try to think positively like that so this doesn't tear me apart. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we are capable of handling, but it is hard. But hopefully one day it will be worth it.

Max hated going for walks the first couple of days, but he did such a good job of it.

Surgery day

Surgery day was extremely stressful. I think I handled it okay enough considering I only had two breakdowns. We got to primary children's at 9 am to get Max registered. He didn't want to wear the hospital clothes they gave him so we ended up just letting him wear his pj's.  They gave him versed to help him calm down while we were in the waiting room. It didn't work so great on him. He still just wanted to run around and play with the toys and ride the bike down the hall.  When it was time for him to go back for surgery, we could only follow him to the end of the hall and then we had to give our hugs and kisses and watch him run down the hall with the doctor to the OR. That's when I had my first breakdown. Afterwards, Nate and I went to a different waiting room and had to check in so that we could get updates from the OR. We got lunch, and I had another breakdown, and then we waited...and waited...and waited. It was kind of agonizing, but they did call us half way through with an update that everything was going well. Around 3:30 they finally finished and we went back to the recovery room. He was still sleeping, only waking for a few seconds to cry that he hurt. Once they got through taking his vitals, they sent us all up to his room he'd stay in for the rest of the time. Thankfully, it is a bigger room with a shower. Nobody wants a stinky mom, and I'm not leaving his side to go home. He slept most of the day, waking up every so often crying that he hurts. They put an epidural in his back to help control the pain, but they ended up having to up the dosage to get on top of it. He did okay during the night. He had a low grade fever most of the night, but nothing serious. In the morning, he woke up and we watched cartoons together and he was allowed to have some juice. He went for a really short walk, got a sponge bath, and had his bedding changed. Then, grandma and grandpa Clement came to visit with Sam. Max was so happy to see his big brother and even got to play trains and cars with him for a few minutes. He went for another walk and got some gas out, but threw up a little too. Now he's in bed and getting much needed rest to help his body heal. I'm doing a lot better today knowing that the surgery is over and went well. Now I can focus on just getting him better and ready for chemo. I love this boy so much. It breaks my heart that he has to go through this. I wish I could just take it away from him. And again, I'm blown away by all the support everyone has shown. We are so grateful.

 He sure loves his doggies. He makes them all kiss him better every so often.

Here, you can see on his tummy where they took out the tumor and on his left chest is where they inserted the port. It breaks my heart to see my baby all cut up.

Max had a blast on the tricycle while he was waiting to go back for surgery.

Sam came to visit the day after surgery and loved the Spiderman statue.